Why Wasn’t I Invited?

Why Wasn’t I Invited?

The 85th Academy Awards, Hollywood’s biggest night of the year, premiered last Sunday, February 23rd. Big wins from films like Argo, Silver Linings Playbook, and many more caused a miraculous evening for numerous nominees and tragic losses for others. Vassar’s presence dominated as Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, and Anne Hathaway made their way through the Red Carpet. One can only wonder if they reminisced and shared their scandalous Vassar memories with each other—I mean, I would.

While a huge number of people around the world tuned in to see which of their favorite movies won, I had my eyes frantically glued to the screen to see which celebs won for Best Outfit. Come on, guys—tell me I wasn’t the only one. No? No one else? Well, even if only I care about it, this year’s Red Carpet hosted more fashion wins that fails. However, I think that all the actresses collaborated to wear the same color—either nude or a color resembling their skin tone. Some pulled off the nude ambience, while I wanted to alert Ghost Busters about others, for their dresses were way too pale to even be considered human. Since our very own Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for her role in Les Mis, I decided to start critiquing on a similarly happy note.

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The above photos show my top four favorite looks of the night. I always believed that the Oscars should be a classy event honoring Old Hollywood, so I regard bold, neon looks as completely out of the question. (I mean, can someone redirect Maria Meounos back to the Teen Choice Awards? I think she is either lost or confused and I’m worried for her.) Elegant reds and blacks are simply exceptional for this event. Kristen Chenoweth outshined many actresses in her elegant silver-and-black ball gown by Tony Ward. Jennifer Aniston did her thing as usual in a gorgeous Valentino dress. Jennifer Lawrence, to me, resembles Barbie; her Dior outfit deserves its own Academy Award. Finally, Samantha Barks (who are you again?) wore a beautiful, simple black dress by Valentino. (Honestly, I was looking everywhere on Google to figure out who this girl was, but props to her for a beautiful piece.)

5 OSCAR STATUE THE OSCARS (ALT) ACADEMY AWARDS (ALT) CREDIT A.M.P.A.S. OSCR 007

What a stunningly peculiar twosome. Catherine Zeta Jones’ gold statuesque dress just screamed the Academy Award Statuette. Don’t get me wrong—she looks gorgeous and clearly knows how to support the events she attends.

Ladies, before I continue, I just want to warn you that some of the most attractive guys in Hollywood are upcoming for critique or drooling over—your choice.

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Honestly, who says a guy can’t look GQ-hot on the red carpet? Chris Pine and Eddie Redmayne’s suits put some girls’ dresses to shame at this year’s Oscars. Pine’s Ermenegildo Zegna solid black outfit is a strikingly classic look, while Redmayne’s Alexander McQueen is nicely finished off with those out-of-the-ordinary (in the Oscar world) shoes. Daniel Day-Lewis appears in a dashing navy Domenico Vacca suit, bringing a unique appearance. Channing Tatum is Channing Tatum; I mean, no one should be allowed to look that good. His Gucci attire reminds everyone—although many don’t need a reminder—that Channing Tatum owns the Most Beautiful Male Oscar Award. Can I be Jenna Dewan, like please????

Now is the time to get down and dirty with this year’s Oscar fashion mishaps.

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My dear Anne, we love and support you, but please take another look in the mirror; maybe you want to put on your backup dress instead. Anne’s Prada dress could have quickly been the number one look of the show if it wasn’t for those two very noticeable accessories. Amanda Seyfried, my disappointment goes out to you; Ghost Busters, here’s one! This Alexander McQueen dress washes her out from head to toe. Please, someone get her some food and water—the paleness is too much. Which brings me to Kristen Stewart, who knows all about pale skins. Her Reem Acra is a beauty, but it doesn’t necessarily fit her style or her tired face. Those crutches must have worn her out fast because she looks like she hasn’t slept for thousands of years—good thing she’s a vampire. Finally, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have their own Oscar party going on. Carter’s Vivienne Westwood brings out her…umm… eyes? I am trying to be nice but all I have to say is no, never, destroy.

Sorry to end things on such a tragic note, but I am still recovering from my lost Oscar invitation. Maybe next year they will dedicate five minutes to commemorating me as an apology.

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